Happy Autism Acceptance Month and Happy Spring! As a preschool teacher, we encounter kids every school year who present differences and challenges we weren’t expecting. Some of our children do exhibit behaviors that may mirror such a diagnosis and yet, we choose to love them and take on the hard work that is teaching them. If there is one thing I’ve learned in working with parents and kids of different abilities, while also navigating my own child’s needs, it is that we are RESILIENT. Like the Spring season, we come back from every season stronger. Our kids smile bigger, laugh louder and love harder because they know what it is to struggle with chronic conditions that force them to appreciate the moment.
As you may know, Chris and I coached our 3rd season of Little League last summer. It was Bowen’s first year of T-ball (which I took the role of team parent) and Cael’s first year playing single-A minor (coach pitch; for which Chris and I coached together). Even though it was our 3rd year, it was one of the most challenging! While coaching Single-A, Chris and I learned that we still have a lot to learn! Half hour practices no longer do the kids any justice to develop skills. Coaching ages 6-8 meant that the kids skills levels were pretty expansive and making sure each kid got individualized attention to build them up was tough. In T-ball, you sort of assume it is the first year for the majority of your team- and returning t-baller’s are still honing in some gross motor skills. Maybe you have the one-off 6-year-old who could move up, but mostly, T-ball is akin to herding cats. However, Bowen’s coach this year wasn’t prepared for the demands of coaching, and she was in over her head. Needless to say, I told myself that the following year, I would take on the role of head coach for T-ball.
There was one big take away from being with both teams, and age groups that I want to start emphasizing in my own parenting- meeting my children where they are at- socially, emotionally and developmentally. “well, duh” you might think to yourself… but then ask yourself another question. Can you honestly say that you have never had unrealistic expectations of your own children? If your answer is yes, then maybe you should be writing this blog for me! I believe the vast majority of parents who can reflect inward can say that is has been a common, but unintentional part of parenting.
Like most everything, my solutions have been found in educating myself about child development and talking to my trusted inner circle. Even with knowledge behind my kids’ behaviors, I still have tough days. For all my knowledge and belief that all behavior is a form of communication, I find myself triggered by my kids lack of understanding of certain concepts like empathy.
I’ve struggled more as Bowen has gotten older and more medically stable. Behaviors have emerged in the school setting that are perplexing and difficult to work through. Chris and I have been more challenged than ever this school year to assess Bowen for who he is and meet him where his strengths are. This seems like a somewhat normal challenge when you have multiple children, right? Every child is different and we’ve probably all seen the funny memes and videos of the differences between first, second and third children. Basically, I am not really saying anything different than what we all know already but I need to emphasize the factors that take these sorts of things from funny videos and memes, to serious and real challenges of parenting.
Adding in atypical behaviors or mental or intellectual diagnoses can make any parent feel like they are going crazy themselves. I’ve felt this on more than one occasion when trying to negotiate with Bowen. My emotions have been on a roller coaster in a short amount of time and as I work to stay calm myself, alarms are going off in my own brain. Does this sound familiar? As I have said many times before, please know you are not alone. And you are NOT crazy, and neither is your child. We are literally navigating a new world of parenting and we are elevating the relationships we create with ourselves, our kids and the important people in our lives. We are trying to balance gentle parenting with effective and assertive boundaries and rules and there isn’t exactly a blueprint for how to do this. Some people may also find that they are working to re-parent themselves on top of a child or children.
Meeting your child where they are takes honest, inward reflection of ourselves. What is it about the situation that is causing discomfort or upset? I’d bet if you looked inward, you would find that this true discomfort is your own projections of your wants for you child, and the frustration of them not meeting those expectations. Tough, hu? Yeah, it isn’t my favorite honest conversation with myself either. The fact I want my child to be one way, and they aren’t- well, that just plain sucks. Our need to control and have power over outcomes outside of our control is where most of our anger, frustration or other negative emotion really stems from. We can’t control everything. Most certainly, other people! This includes our kids. They are born with their own personalities which means they have many likes and dislikes we may not agree with.
I’m not talking about their disdain for vegetables or anything that’s the color green. I’m talking about accepting your child and loving them when they aren’t walking or talking like others their age or showing signs of regression in certain skills that scare the heck out of you. I’m talking about the daughter you imagined taking to ballet lessons is born with cerebral palsy or the son you wanted to be on the swim team is congenitally born with something making it impossible for him to swim competitively. These are both completely made up scenarios, that I have no doubt will resonate with some family out there. And these examples are both in the physical realm of ability. What about the child you dream about having long conversations with over coffee is non-verbal? Yeah, they’re all hard to imagine but very real. And for some of us, meeting our child where they are in development presents its biggest challenge yet.
If you’re reading my blog, then there’s a good chance you are a great parent doing your best every day. While you are on a journey of acceptance of what is, don’t forget to show yourself the same grace and patience you are working hard to show to your child. Embrace the present moment and be mindful of your feelings. All of them are valid and no matter if you are having a good day or bad day you are entitled to feel the feels. It is ok to want to run away, crawl under a rock, or sell your child to the circus. It is ok to be frustrated with their behavior or actions. It is ok to cry, scream, yell, bargain, and grieve. None of the felt emotions, whether positive or negative; change who you are as a person, or as a parent. It only makes you human. So today, take a deep breath and love your kiddo. They’re amazing for who they are now and who they will be. And remember, you’re doing it right.
Somewhere In Between 