Browse any social media site- Instagram, Facebook (and I am sure Tick Tok and Twitter too) and you’ll find a hundred memes, gifs or articles about self care for moms. I’ve read quite a few myself and while these articles are validating, I guess I am not sure where the actual support comes from. Meaning, it feels like a lot of the articles sum up what isn’t helpful, or what self care IS NOT, but what IS IT? As a mama, what do YOU want your partner, your family or friends or even your community to know about what you need?
I’ve found in my own quest for self care, that there are definitely things that help me feel more myself and things that don’t. I’ll again reference an article I read on Mother.ly which is partially titled “Showers and trips to Target are not self care”- and I couldn’t agree more- in part. I think of self care like an umbrella and under that are pieces that make up that umbrella. Yes, for me, trips to Target and a shower are under that umbrella. There is nothing like my husband coming home from his 48-hour shift and getting 20 minutes to myself to relax my muscles and clear my mind in the shower. Often times, I don’t shower when he’s working because I am either too tired, or too worried about something happening to really relax and feel like I can get naked without having to race out of the shower, dripping wet to attend to one of the kids. You can imagine the “worst case scenarios” I’ve made up in my head when he is working.
And don’t get me wrong- retail therapy IS a thing. But I am also acutely aware of our budget, and how material possessions only temporarily numb the pain or discomfort I am feeling. And honestly, do I need another towel, bath mat, or item for organization? Well, yes, I do! But no, no I don’t. And as I walk out of Target each time, I realize that I can only spend so much time there and what I really want is more time to utilize the things I keep buying. Self care is not spending money. For many in the shoes of caregivers, your budget doesn’t even allow you to think of caring for yourself in this way either. I am sure you see others and think “must be nice…” and I see you and understand that feeling too.
Self care needs to be deeper. Self care needs to be visceral at times, raw and full of emotion. Self care needs to be getting in touch with our spirit and our roots. And this kind of self care needs to be deeply understood and supported by those in our circle. Self care is taking a 3 or 4 hour uninterrupted nap on a regular basis- not as a luxury. Self care is a good cry on a regular basis- not when we are falling apart or blowing up. Self care is channeling creativity, finding your way through fitness, taking a walk in nature, going to temple or church or going to get coffee with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Self care is going to therapy (lots of it, as in my case), seeing your doctor, and taking vitamins and medication you need. Self care is also binging your favorite shows and eating what makes you happy (without having to share!).
Did I cover most of it? Anything else you can think of? Here is the kicker for ALL of this. Self care requires TIME. T.I.M.E. And if there is ONE thing all mamas and mama’s who are caregivers are lacking- is TIME! Our needs are not being met. If there is anyone out there doing a study on why moms leave their jobs after having kids? It’s because we no longer have the TIME we need to dedicate to the things that matter and when you become a mom, the things that matter shift. Suddenly, the thing that matters is no longer a thing, it’s a person. And our society is not set up to support moms or caregivers in this way AT ALL. Because somewhere along the line, society decided that one we became an adult, our time was no longer ours. Suddenly, our time becomes the property of others- our employers mainly. But unlike the choice to have a child, we don’t get to choose our time being taken away from us, it is a given. It is non-negotiable. If you want to survive, your time has to go to someone else. But when we want to make the choice to have children, we are essentially saying, “I want to dedicate my time in some way, to something bigger. To the calling of being a parent.” And we make this choice mostly in a self-less way but society doesn’t make it’s own shift. Society and our culture says “well, that’s your choice, but your time still belongs to someone else.” So we sacrifice to take our time back. That sacrifice usually comes in the form of either our job, or our family.
The sacrifice also comes at the expense of our relationships with significant others too. And my perception is that partners are not adept at making shifts either. Well, let me say it differently- partners, and our relationships with them are often not in a place where discussions of shifting have taken place before hand, so many of us are “winging it” while adjusting to a new life. The relationship gets put on hold, and there is not enough of a renewal taking place for the shifts that need to happen, happen. When navigating medical appointments, illnesses, diagnoses, other children and jobs, we can find ourselves in a heightened state of awareness. Our adrenaline is constantly pumping and this can make us irritable, grouchy and even more tired than normal. The safe space of our partners turns into them being our target for harsh words, dirty looks and heavy sighs. It all feels like its too much.
Time is a gift. For anyone raising children, often times our biggest regrets in life has something to do with time. The gift of time is the literal key to the health for caregivers. If there is anything I could implore from those who support caregivers, it is to offer the gift of time. No strings attached, no quid pro quo. Time- to me- needs to involve quiet and an unstimulating environment. I again reference any sort of retail therapy- it can be overstimulating and that isn’t helpful when it feels like every moment of our lives is in a state of overstimulation.
Every human has innate needs that need to be met to survive. On the most basic level, we know this involved food, water, housing and clothing. We also need love and kindness. We need encouragement and support. America is a capitalist society, a “me first” mentality. It is patriarchal, hypocritical and crooked. While I am a patriot and love my country, I can’t help but want to scream from a mountain top that we are doing it wrong. If there is going to be a downfall of society, it is going to be the nation’s decision to put profits before people and men before women. To me, the message that I am getting in my journey is that my experiences aren’t nearly as important because I am a woman and a mom. Adding in the special needs component and I am shoved to the fringes of society. Sure, government programs try to help and I am beyond grateful for those but there has a to global shifts in this society for caregivers to be cared for.
So in the mean time, if we come across each other and you ask me what I need? What I need is time and I hope you can ask for some yourself too.
Somewhere In Between 