“…Well shoot I don’t either honestly, but I don’t have a choice” That’s what I want to say to some people whose response to *anything* I do is met with “I don’t know how you do it?!” The thing is, hearing that from strangers is triggering hard, and makes me sometimes feel a little defensive.
As moms, we hear this phrase often. Too often, and it’s honestly grating on the nerves. The thing is, we don’t do it. At all. None of us are keeping it together, none of us are happy, and while trying to be grateful for our kids, we find ourselves going down a slippery slope of wishing time away, missing our pre-baby bodies or pre-baby freedom, but then immediately feeling regret for having those feelings.
I recently saw a post on twitter about calling moms superheroes and how it was easier for society to give moms a backhanded compliment instead of solving the broken system that is in place, which offers no support for moms in general (working, SAHM, neurotypical, disabled, etc). l swear I will never refer to myself or any other mom as a superhero again.
Personally, I am trying to break a cycle of toxic masculinity in our family, and I am trying to raise my boys to be compassionate, empathetic and sensitive souls. Their job in life is not to judge, their job in life is to heal the hurting and be there for people in whatever way they choose. It could be following a calling of EMS/Fire (like their dad and uncle) or police, or a doctor, nurse or other medical professional. It could be a business person who actively supports and volunteers for non-profits, or spends their time saving animals. They can be anything they want to be, as long as its making the world and their community, a better place. As my husband says, leadership is selfless, not selfish, and I hope these are qualities we practice ourselves so our boys can model them. It is exhausting!
I got thinking that as much as I don’t like people saying “how do you do it?”, I wonder honestly, “How do I do it?” What do I do that keeps me together? And, can I take these things, make them into a tangible list, and offer it as some support for another mom who wonders the same thing? I came up with a short, but honest list of what keeps me going.
- I go to bed super early, and so do my kids. Bed time routine starts around 6:30 and my baby is in bed by 7:00 to 7:15 and my older one is in bed by 7:30. I follow suit no later than 8
- I take magnesium to help me relax naturally and offset side effects of antidepressants
- I take antidepressants
- I talk to a therapist every other week and sometimes every week when life gets too heavy
- I pray- a lot and have found faith which helps calm my soul. *I know this isn’t for everyone and is a personal choice*
- I have a village- my parents and my neighbors keep me grounded and are my sounding board for all things good and bad.
- Our family meal plans as much as possible, but we eat fast food too. You have to find things you control that you can let go of. For me, it’s sticking to a stressful diet- I feel like I fail at this all the time, so I needed to let go of the reins of perfect healthy eating
- I ask for help- a lot. I hit my neighbors up for child care a couple times a month. My parents take my kids several times a month. Seriously, stop trying to be noble by not asking for help. When people ask to help you, (hopefully), they genuinely want to, so when you say “no” constantly, it pushes them away.
- I educate myself, but not too much. I am an expert in my son’s medical condition and the anatomy of his body as it relates to his condition. I also spend a fair amount of time distracting myself from it too. I read for pleasure as much, if not more, than I read to educate myself.
But at the end of the day, I lose it a lot. I find myself weepy and emotional a lot of days. I lack motivation and drive. All I want to do is sleep. It’s not a perfect recipe for “having it all together” and again, none of us do. But these are things that have helped me manage and get to the other side of depressive episodes, bad days and weeks, and keep a somewhat sunny outlook on an otherwise scary world.
Somewhere In Between 